10 Years

posted by Helen

Ten years ago today I had surgery for ductal carcinoma in situ, which is really just fancy talk for a tiny little bit of cancer. I'm still not sure I know what that means, but I've been in pretty good shape for 10 years now so I guess it wasn't so bad. Sometimes I think like I'm a real sissy to even think it was anything like an ordeal.

It's funny to remember now, but at the time, I developed an irrational attachment to the surgeon. He was probably in his mid-60s, but he was my new best friend. I found it very hard to be separated from him. It was almost a relief to develop some minor complications that required a visit to the ER where he happened to be on call.

Then I had daily radiation treatment for 6 weeks and became irrationally attached to the technicians who administered it. It must be some kind of medical version of "Stockholm Syndrome."

Anyway, here I am 10 years later. My life is radically different, and I think the experience of cancer, surgery and the aftermath has a lot to do with where and who I am now.

Life is but a dream

posted by Helen

We have a friend staying with us for a while. I'm not sure how long he will be here, but he's an easy person to be around and our house is built in a way that he can be at one end watching a movie on the surround system and I can be at the other, not really aware that anyone else is home.

What I mean is having him here isn't really any trouble, and sometimes it has a surprising benefit. For example, yesterday he cooked a really great root vegetable stew for dinner. It was nice to come "home" from the office (a short walk across the breezeway) to find a large pot of something that smelled delicious bubbling on the stove in the warm kitchen.

Last night after dinner we were talking about how life seems to be such a huge struggle for me right now. It's been that way for a year, but lately it seems to have heightened again and I feel overwhelmed and fearful.

Somehow in our conversation last night we got on the topic of the old song "Row, row, row your boat." David, our friend, was saying how the song seems to be childish babble, but it is really has a deeper subliminal message. Think about it.

Row, row, row your boat ... that's three "rows": you have to work at life

Gently down the stream ... okay, you have to work, but steer that boat downstream, not up. And go easy, do it gently.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ... ah, not sullenly, not indifferently, but with a light heart and good humor

Life is but a dream ... stop taking it all so seriously

I'll try to remember this simple tune as I start another day.