I’ve been so uninspired lately that I have to think it is some kind of depression. It’s a combination of things: the recurring snowstorms, the sinking economy that is making things bad for business, the ongoing estrangement from my stepdaughters, which has become a hopeless status quo.
If I think about just these three things, I want to crawl under a handmade quilt and go to sleep. And the third one is so painful, I wonder that I don’t walk around every day with red-rimmed eyes. Somehow we keep going — each day the sun comes up, one of us makes coffee, and there is music.
We are busy. Dave has some kind of extracurricular activity almost every day. I hold myself back more. I always needed a lot of quiet time and feel hungry for it now.
During my first couple of years in Switzerland, I would occasionally go a whole weekend without exchanging more than a word or two with anyone. I read a lot, visited museums, walked for miles and spent time sitting in cafes. I don’t remember feeling lonely or homesick. Reading “The Stories of John Cheever” during that time, this quote seemed very true to me –
“Homesickness is nothing. Fifty per cent of the people in the world are homesick all the time. When you’re in one place and long to be in another, it isn’t as simple as taking a boat. You don’t really long for another country. You long for something in yourself that you don’t have, or haven’t been able to find.”
So it’s funny now to realize by this definition, I am a little homesick. I’m longing for something in myself that I just can’t find right now.
Dear Helen,
I’ve noticed for some time that you’ve moved inward to the darker corners of your soul. It’s not a place where anyone can follow you or necessarily help to make it better, but I hope it will help to know how much you are loved.
When Harold would get into one of his darker moods, he would read Carl Jung – which I always thought was somewhat akin to holding a rope in your hands while you were feeling suicidal – but it seemed to help him. Jung did write
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning were it not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
Easy for him to say! But Jung also wrote “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
So, although this may seem like an uninspiring time, it may actually be a lead-in to a new awakening and a clearer vision of your future.
Much love,
Heidi